Tag: jesus

Living in the light … dispersing the darkness

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What came into existence was Life,
and the Life was Light to live by.
The Life-Light blazed out of the darkness;
the darkness couldn’t put it out.
John 1:4-5 MSG

Early in this season of life, when the shock and the shame came as a tidal wave, I lived in panic and fear. I wanted to take control of absolutely everything and everyone. I wanted to know exactly what others were writing about my situation. I wanted to control how others thought. I wanted to “protect” by making myself crazy trying to control. I was ugly in that self-centered pursuit.

Then God reminded me of verse five of John 1, “The Life-Light blazed out of the darkness, and the darkness couldn’t put it out.” God had come with truth and light into our lives. He was exposing the darkness, no longer letting it control. And when he came with his life-light, the darkness couldn’t put it out. The ugliness of sin seeks to hide away. The shame of exposure by its natural inclination wants to cover, run, lurk in the shadows rather than walk before the eyes of men.

Gently God reminded me of his earlier question, “Are you ready to give it all up to me? Are you ready to give me your marriage, your children, your ministry, your reputation, your income … everything? Are you ready to do that? Because if you are, then you need to walk in the light. You need to stop trying to control the situations and the relationships and the way people perceive you. You need to let me have it. You need to walk in the light.”

“Walking in the light” for me back in 2004 meant writing letters to 100 financial supporters, crafting the truth for 600 people on our newsletter list, communicating with members of six supporting churches, and then fielding phone calls from those who needed to know more or wanted to show their love and concern. “Walking in the light” meant letting others feel their own feelings, write their own way, be who they needed to be … trusting that God would be their guide. “Walking in the light” meant letting the “grapevine” be, trusting that God would use that to his end, and would stop those who intended harm. The exposing and sharing and telling the story and ministering to others seemed to go on and on and on. Each time, though, the darkness was pushed a little further away and God’s light illuminated more and more the beauty of love and grace.

The temptation in those days was to hide away, to cover up, and to pretend something about life that might not be true. But God gently called me again to walk in the light, to make choices to live honestly before others, to let him lift my head from the shame so that when others saw him at work in my life creating the new thing he desired, he would get the glory due him. If I could control it all and take care of it all, I would seek that glory. Surrender is my worship, my recognition that he is God, and I am not.

Dear Jesus,

Life-Light who blazes out of the darkness.
Illuminate my life, blaze into the darkest places,
Send the darkness away.
Give me courage to trust you with everything.
Give me faith to believe you are who you said you are.
Give me love, upside-down, inside-out kingdom love
That chases darkness from the hearts of those you love.

Grace Walking

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I do not set aside the grace of God,
for if righteousness could be gained through the law,
Christ died for nothing!”
Galatians 2:21

I have been confronted with legalism in my life and my understanding of my Christian walk. I have recognized before in life that the church can quickly feel like a place where modern Pharisees gather, which is a reason that those peering in at the church from the outside often cringe. “It’s by grace you are saved! It’s free! Now here are the rules to follow.” We encourage each other with “pray more, read the Bible more” and yet our lives can feel so empty.

I’ve placed those restrictions on myself. I’ve got great tapes that run through my head when I’m not obeying the rules of my upbringing or my Christian culture. I so desperately want God’s acceptance in the same way I feel I have to earn it from those around me.

But the grace walk is different. The grace walk recognizes that our set of rules and regulations can’t save us – only Jesus can. Our list of Christian “to-dos” and ways we serve the fellowship don’t earn our acceptance with the heavenly Father – what Jesus did on the cross makes the only way for that. Jesus doesn’t want a maidservant, he wants a beautiful and passionate bride who loves to be with him, loves to adore him, loves to find what he loves and give that to him. Jesus wants our love and devotion and our gifts and sacrifices to flow from that place, not a place of duty.

The grace walk frees me to live in the reality I know so well. I can’t love those I find unlovable. I can’t be joyful. I can’t be self-controlled or give myself peace. Patience? Forget it. I just can’t do it! But God can, and wants to do that through me. I need to be an empty glove and just invite his powerful hand and heart to invade me every moment of every day. Then he will love others his way through me. He will be my life, and I will get that abundantly instead of whatever feeble bit I would have on my own efforts.

Letting God do his stuff through me, more like “God with a twist of Gwen” instead of “Gwen with a bit of God,” has been freeing. Realizing that while God does indeed want to work through me, he can do that much more effectively if I get out of the way … get my “to-do lists” and “expectations to meet” and “definitions of what being a Christian is” and, most of all, my self-inflicted shame out of the way … If I can walk through each hour asking “How do you want to love _______ through me right now?” then my life will take a much more heavenly hue.

I’d say I’m going to “work at that grace thing more,” but that then would not be grace, that would be my works. So it is a humorous and gentle thing while at the same time totally upsetting to the legalistic life I’ve been comfortable with. Just how does God want to do his thing through this mess? And, how do I really let go so that I can feel from head to toe and heart that he accepts me just as he made me?

Crazy, this God stuff! But the more I taste of it, the less satisfied I am with anything else.

Oh Jesus,

You are so beautiful, so full, so powerful, so tender.
I love you and so want to love you more.
Show me yourself and soften my heart to take it all in.
Love through me, Lord. Radically turn my ways
Of looking at the world by making me “Jesus with a twist of Gwen!”
Invade me, holy one.
Be my life.

Laughing with Jesus

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“The Lord your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves.
He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you,
but will rejoice over you with singing.”
Zephaniah 3:17

As I was trudging along with wet snow giving under my steps as the sun shone full and bright against the Colorado blue sky and the fall ducks dodged ice floats in the canal, Jesus made me laugh. I had been walking and talking with him about the stuff of life, putting this time of sabbatical out to him and inviting him to do whatever he will to shape the direction and future. And splat. From the trees above he aimed a heavy, wet snow ball at my back … then my head … then my legs. I went a few steps further and he lobbed another one my way, teasing me from the weighty thoughts and ponderings to the joy of the moment. He was having a great time in the aftermath of the blizzard of the night before and thought I should too! That Jesus, the one who welcomed the children and no doubt sang the psalms with greatest gusto. That Jesus, the one walked among the desperate and hopeless and released them to life. In the midst of a world of chaos and pain and injustice, I found his reminder of life and joy.

That was a welcome gift as I have spent much of the last week or so preparing for an Old Testament “quiz” on the 7-8th century prophets. I have waded deeply into the judgments, woes, law of retaliation, broken covenant relationships, and the pounding of one after another of the judgments Yahweh brought on his people and the peoples around them. Their arrogance, pride, idolatry, and rote rituals rightly and justly were not acceptable to our holy God. As I look out at the events all around, locally and globally, I can’t help but see the same arrogance and pride of violent human beings hell bent on destruction and death.

And yet, there is hope. Healing. Redemption. Restoration. And a Mighty Warrior who saves, delights, rejoices with singing … and tosses snowballs at one of those he calls friend.

Thank you, Jesus.

Holy One of Israel.
Mighty Warrior.
Deliverer
Of Hope and Singing.

Thank you.

November 17, 2015

Imago Dei

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So God created mankind in his own image,
in the image of God he created them.
Genesis 1:27

As a new seminary student, I had a four-part assignment to research what has been understood about imago dei (image of God) in the Old and New Testaments through various commentaries. I spent hours digesting and pondering to produce papers. Those thoughts from so many theologians about God’s creation of humanity in his image, the purpose he gave for our existence, the ways sin changed things, and truth about Jesus, the only perfect human after the fall, who completed his earthly mission toward an eternal redemption. Historically some followed the culture of the time to define the imago as reason or our ability to be rational. There were disputes about whether the fall obliterated the image in us. And around it went. These lofty thoughts danced around my heart and head as I went through the day-to-day of living and serving.

Then one Friday morning Wade came for his Hippotherapy session. I’m sure there are medical explanations with words a mile long to define what his struggles are. What I know is that sweet Wade has a body and mind that are just broken. Things don’t work like they should. He has no words to tell us what hurts or what is difficult. He cannot sit, stand, run, jump, or express his thoughts. He’s had surgeries and struggles.

He hadn’t been to the horses in a while. Whether it was the sun, the physical stretching and work, or just life, he just cried through the sessions. Wade likes the toy maraca. He also likes music, as it connects and soothes. So that’s what we did. This day “Patty Cake” was a winner, so I sang many rounds to him, adding the bits that just came out from when I used to sing it to my gals. Suddenly, in a moment I will never forget, Wade pulled up tall, caught my eye, and chortled with delight! In a beautiful moment of joy and connection, in a sweet and innocent boy with little to offer in terms of productivity or accomplishment, God shined out his image in a way that changed me.

Against the violence that is humanity in our fallen condition, against the way we like to measure the worth of ourselves and other humans based on productivity or popularity, against the struggle of feeling we need to live life “for God” … there was Wade. Laughing. Being. Shining out the goodness of God. There is nothing easy about Wade’s life (nor yours and mine as we walk through our brokenness), but our God sees, knows, delights in, and loves us … just because we are.

There is wonder in this. As there is wonder in the king of the universe born into our chaos to do what it took to make a way back to the way his Father intended it to be. In each human you encounter … yes, each one, whether your family or the one our scared hearts want to hate and fear … look closely. In each one is the imago dei, creating worth and beauty. He loves them. Shouldn’t we?

Lord of the universe,

Give us eyes to see as you see,
Your weighty glory
Shining out of each
Precious One.
Thank you for giving your life,
To give Life to your children.

December 21, 2015

Stones of Remembrance

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Each of you is to take up a stone on his shoulder,
according to the number of the tribes of the Israelites,
to serve as a sign among you.
Joshua 4:5b

My baby girl just crossed the age threshold into adulthood. This is such a marker for us, one that calls me to symbolically set up a stone of remembrance as a sign for us and future generations of all that God has done.

Far beyond the legal status that requires her to sign off on her own medical decisions, opens the way to vote, and increases the entrance fees to the adult range, this is a milestone of celebrating the successful navigation of the treacherous road of trauma, a discovery of self, attaining a place of maturity and healing … beauty from ashes.

Nearly 12 years ago when our life as we knew it and dreamed about was torn to shreds, my little one woke up to a new life sans “daddy.” That is hard for a six-year-old to take in (much less her much older momma!). His poor decisions and removal from our home left what she astutely declared as a “hole in her heart.” No more donut dates and the simple things like “climbing daddy mountain” and the giggles that ensued … left only with the ugly secrets and soul piercing that a young psyche has no means to manage.

In the coming months and years of wading through the caverns of trauma that sin had opened, I began to dread what could occur when my daughters turned 18. They would be free to make their own choices about it all … including relationship with their father. (God took care of that when he passed away in 2011.) Still, adulthood was a goal set out before us, spoken or unspoken, realized or not. What would it take to launch my daughters from this nest as healed enough, whole enough, and equipped enough? What miracles would God do to give them courage, confidence, wisdom, and maturity in him as foundations for whatever was next?

The days and years have passed. Today I pick up a stone and place it for us all to see. While we have seen our years of pain and sadness, faced the mountains of anxiety and detachment, and felt our loss and the agony of life altered, we have also seen God’s presence, his healing, his provision, and his gifts of grace, forgiveness, and hope.

Hope. Not that life will never again see pain or struggle. But hope because we know that we know that in the pain and struggle, he is Lord of all. He sees. He knows. He loves. He stands in the cavern and knows the way.

Lord Jesus,
You are our only hope.
You are our only healer.
You are the only One who sees and knows the way.
Today we remember and celebrate.
Hold my daughters close, Lord.
Lead them in the paths of righteousness, for your name’s sake.

January 7, 2016

Hope in the Desert

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You, God, are my God, earnestly I seek you;
I thirst for you, my whole being longs for you,
in a dry and parched land where there is no water.
Psalm 63:1

It is good to remember. God has been merciful to me, showing me things in his word that grab hold and settle. But, my humanity sneaks in and life moves along, and I am prone to forget. In a quick search, the term “remember” shows up at least 231 times in the NIV. That alone should cause us to take that intentional step.

I have certainly walked the journey of the desert in my life … as have you. The terrain of life can so often feel hot, thirsty, rugged, solitary, desperate … hopeless. Whether it is through the invasion of sin (ours or another’s), the grief that comes through loss, the strike against our health, the pain of watching others make terrible life choices, the agony over regret, or the fear of what else is just around the corner—life can be so hard.

Difficulties press us beyond ourselves to cry out, “God, I thirst for you! Where is the water?!” I was reminded today about En Gedi, an oasis in the wilderness in Israel. Surrounded by seemingly barren wilderness on all sides, hidden in the crevices are streams and then pools of clean, fresh water. Panting deer find their way to this source of life, the living water of God that flows from the springs … giving hope.

I was also reminded of the dramatic picture of Jesus sacrificing himself on the cross. His words were those of this same cry, “I thirst.” The Lamb of God, our living water, felt the dry, wearying heat of desert living, too.

As the Israelites trudged and survived and longed for God in a dry and weary land, he led them to the Promised Land. And we journey to a Promised Land as well. Just look at the hope held out for us in Revelation 7:16-17:

‘Never again will they hunger; never again will they thirst. The sun will not beat down on them,’ nor any scorching heat. For the Lamb at the center of the throne will be their shepherd; ‘he will lead them to springs of living water.’

‘And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes.

The sun will no longer beat down on us! The Lamb will lead us to springs of living water! Desert living will be left behind as we live in the beautiful city of abundance. That is HOPE.

Lord Jesus,

Open our eyes to see you. Give us hearts that believe.
In the scorching heat of our desert lives,
Teach us to long for you,
To trust your promises,
And to cling to the hope of
Fully quenched thirst.

February 7, 2016

Living Hope

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Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ!
In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope
through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead.
1 Peter 1:3

“I’ve been hope anemic. Not for the eternal, but the temporal.” A friend recently shared a devotional with me that included these words. In my quest to settle the reality of hope into my marrow, the journey has been fraught with challenges. Life circumstances and situations have shaped my perspective, robbing my temporary optimism even as my eternal confidence has remained. The distinction between the two was opaque until these words leapt off the page.

I’m sure I’m not alone in having stretches of the journey feeling like a minefield … or like the next shoe that is sure to drop is going to be even bigger—or equipped with a steal toe that can really do some damage! Life is sometimes like that. I have been known to change the saying to “if it isn’t one thing in is SIX others!” I have described myself as “Pigpen” (from the Peanuts comic strip) because the dust and crud always seems to be circling around me. In these temporal circumstances, I have sometimes found it difficult to remain optimistic, to live hope-filled. I have been “hope anemic.”

Thank Jesus, though, in the eternal, I am hope secure. This week we had the joy of celebrating Resurrection Day, and, for me, so many things were like flashes of hopeful light into my reality. Whether a song with lyrics I hadn’t really focused on or a verse that popped out like never before or the assurances in times of prayer, I have found myself nodding in affirmation rather than glancing quizzically or longingly at the references to hope that have floated by. This Easter my soul has said “Yes!”

What we have to offer to precious ones in the world around us who seem to be struggling through a shroud of darkness is what Peter called a “living hope.” Our pastor this Easter identified that because of the resurrection we have a living hope (forgiveness from a God who loves us); a hope that lasts forever (1 Peter 1:4, “an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade); and a genuine hope (verse 9, “the end result of your faith, salvation for your souls”). In the stuff of messy lives encumbered by a load of cares, a living, forever, genuine hope is more than just an antidote, it is the breath of life.

In times when I have been in a “hope anemic” state, I’ve felt lost and a little bit crazy. The first line of the song, Mystery (by Charlie Hall, lyrics below) penetrated. “Sweet Jesus Christ, my sanity … my clarity.” The only thing that gives meaning and clarity in the temporal place of anemic hope is the eternal reality of Jesus and his resurrection. He died. He is risen. He will come again!

Now that is HOPE!

Lord Jesus,

Forgive me for turning my eyes to the difficulty
Of my circumstances, giving in to hopelessness.
Plant your living, eternal, and genuine hope
Firmly, deeply, satisfyingly
And fully into my soul,
My vision,
Life’s reality.
Empower me to live through the temporal circumstances
In the firm confidence of eternal hope.
Sweet Jesus, you are my sanity!

March 29, 2016

God Showing Off

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May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him,
so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Romans 15:13

For most of the past decade, God has been patient with me as I follow my quest to settle hope in my own heart. I have documented the oft-humorous situations and happenings that have punctuated the journey. (As I write, I am wearing bracelet number three because the ‘hope’ bead once again dislodged from bracelet number 4. At least ‘hope’ isn’t lost and gone forever!)

This past week God did it again. A friend at Bible study declared that God was “showing off” in amazing ways. I couldn’t agree more!

He caught my attention nearly two years ago when one of the first clients I was able to serve who was doing hippotherapy was Hope. Although her body is far from able and her ability to even communicate her needs, let alone her heart, God gave me eyes to see and a heart to love her beyond what I could have even asked him for. He is merciful to give me glimpses of his love for humanity, broken and battered beautiful ones, we are!

Sensing his desire to show me more, he led me to volunteer at a local food bank. My role is to meet any new participants to listen to their stories and offer any resources we have or are aware of that might assist them on their journeys. I had few expectations except that I knew that God would show me more about himself by introducing me to more of his beloved in need of grace and mercy.

The first night, on my first “solo” interaction, I met Ahmal, a young, married woman who has a one-year-old daughter and who is also nominal Muslim from a north African country. I was instantly attracted to her joyful personality. Over the weeks, her father sometimes came along and we exchanged smiles. A couple of weeks ago, Ahmal came in so excited to tell me about the GED classes she was about to start. She was also excited that her little one was turning one and invited me to her party!

It was a joy to meet her husband, feel the warmth of her accepting mother, meet the other Americans (most probably not believers) who have welcomed her with warmth and fun that makes one wonder why the church isn’t more like them, and celebrate. After feasting on the beautiful “Hello Kitty” and Iranian cakes, I drove away feeling blessed.

Last week Ahmal came in without her usual joy. I asked about her classes, and she honestly shared about her struggles. “Hold on to hope,” I said, trying to encourage her. “Did you know?” she said, “that is what my name means.”

I am not so great at math, but even I know that the odds of two young women named Hope being in these two locations are quite low. Right? I think my friend was right … God was just showing off! Hope isn’t a wistful wish or a bead on a bracelet or something beyond grasp. Hope is what he gives of himself. It is accomplished in the life, death, resurrection, and ascension of Jesus and empowered through his Spirit. Hope comes with peace and joy as we trust in him.

And, for me, Hope is there in the lives of two young women who, by his grace, show me just how my God loves.

Oh Father,

Thank you for showing off!

Thank you for blasting into my

Little life to teach me,

To woo me,

To grow my head, heart, and soul

To see what you see.

Love through me, Lord.

Bring them your peace … and joy.

February 10, 2017

Snippets of Hope

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Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from him. Psalm 62:5

In the 24 hours that turned Wednesday into Thursday, the sunny 80-degree day that felt like summer turned to the low of 18 degrees and a blanket of snow. After the long, dry autumn, it was becoming easy to believe endless summer had disrupted the dependable seasons of life. I am a warm weather lover, but even I am celebrating this vivid reminder of the hope I have because of the proof of God keeping his promises! Genesis 8:22 ” As long as the earth endures, seedtime and harvest, cold and heat, summer and winter, day and night will never cease.”

In a single day, I saw many snippets of hope as I engaged with others on their journey. Three of the friends came for their hippotherapy sessions. All three of them had the kind of day on the horse that left me in a broad smile as I drove home. Hope grabbed the reins with two hands and held them for a few strides, both of which are remarkable. She reached across and put a toy in the mailbox, another challenge accomplished. At the conclusion of her ride, she leaned forward on her own to allow for a safe and easier dismount. It was a day of accomplishments.

Alexi and I started with connection through a fist bump, a pet for Honey, and his huge smile. As he rode, he engaged more, held the reins in one hand, and held his head high. So simple for us, but such joy and fun when he does it! Lynnea rides, smiles, braids the horse tail, and this week, focused and located the small colored blocks tossed around the pasture. She vocalized requests for help and finished her ride by untacking the horse and putting things away. All of these things represent progress and bring joy to us … and to her ever-present, dedicated mom.

Hope and moments of joy propel us in a world of heaviness.

It would be pretty difficult to have missed the heaviness that has come to our country, states, neighborhoods, and families through this election season and the results. I dare to tread here because I think we all need reminders of hope, no matter how we voted, what we fear, and what drives our thoughts and prayers as a result. I am still one who wraps a bracelet around my arm every day with the words “hope” and “joy” as visible reminders, so I am offering this to myself first!

God has blessed us with future-orientation: If we are in him, we have hope in a glorious inheritance. We have the gift of a “this isn’t all there is” and “this world is not my home” orientation. We know that the struggle is real, and we know that we must endure. At times we may question the power, love, and even reality of God as we scan the difficulties in the lives around us. I pray for you, friend, that in those times he will open the eyes of your heart to see the snippets of hope in your life, in the lives of your family and friends, in the selfless giving of so many in your community who care and pour themselves out in love. Certainly the opposite is also true, but turning the eyes of our hearts to the reigning king and kingdom, hope and moments of joy can propel us in a world of heaviness.

Father, Son, and Spirit, please enlighten the eyes of my heart so that I may know the hope to which you has called me, the riches of your glorious inheritance in your holy people, and your incomparably great power for me because I believe (Ephesians 1:18-19a).

Tender my heart to see and love and recognize the hope and moments of joy that can propel me in this world of heaviness!

Thank you for telling me “this isn’t all there is!”

Amen

November 22, 2016

Anchor for our Souls

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We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. Hebrews 6:19

My journey through seminary has been a path that has helped me settle my soul regarding hope. God has lead me to grasp, firmly and securely, that what had been an emotional pursuit found a landing in an intellectual truth. The resurrection of Jesus is the solid reality, “a new birth into a living hope” (1 Peter 1:3). It isn’t fleeting or something easily lost, it is a certainty based on the certainty of Christ in his resurrection and serving as our high priest forever!

For the last six weeks I have been deeply involved in the lives of others through my chaplaincy internship experience. In the course of these six weeks, the swath of shock, grief, and dismay have invaded the lives of people close to me through three suicide deaths of those close to them. There are so many questions. Theology must be firm and true to hold faith and hope in times like these!

As I wait for the repair of my last bracelet (see February 2017 blog post), I found myself once again browsing for symbols and reminders. As I browsed, I landed on a package of 50 “hope” charms. At first, I thought, “I’d never run out of hope if I bought that!” Then the Holy Spirit touched my heart. “Perhaps now it is time for you to stop trying madly to hold on to hope and instead give it away?” So I bought that package.

It arrived precisely the morning that a very difficult event occurred at the ranch that was painful and traumatic for everyone there as a beloved old dog was run over and killed. These little charms weren’t much, but I had one in my pocket for everyone there who had been tossed into the swirl of emotion and pain. God had prepared me to be there in that moment, equipped to share hope in the crisis and struggle. I pray the little reminder that has meant so much to me will be a tender invitation to each one to hold on to hope!

I keep these little reminders in my pocket as I look for those in my path who may need a little reminder. Gratefully, I just ordered another pack of 50 because they are going so fast! God is so merciful and gracious to allow me this holy role in his kingdom.

Today another bit of my purchase arrived in the mail – another bracelet! I know this one won’t last forever either, but I’m glad for this reminder that the resurrection of Jesus and the hope set before us is a firm anchor for our souls!

Lord Jesus,

Thank you.
You are the fulfilled promise,
The life, truth, and way.
Your faithful obedience to death
And the power of your resurrection
Give us HOPE as an anchor for our souls!
Spread your hope through me
However,
Wherever,
And to whomever you will!
I love you, Lord!

October 18, 2017