Tag: christianity

Life is tough in the desert. It’s dry, hot, thirsty, and rocky. And it can be a lonely place when your only focus is on survival. The Israelites knew the struggle … called from Egypt where slavery was hard but essentials of life were provided to the desert, so harsh that you can only survive if you carry your food and water with you. Or if your mighty God does miracles and feeds you the food of angels (called manna) and gushes out fresh water from a rock. Only he could do something like that and give you sandals that don’t wear out as well! (See Nehemiah 9:19.)

In January 2003, as I was walking and praying, God caught my attention by letting me know that he was calling me to walk with him in the desert. He didn’t tell me what was going to cause the heat and discomfort; he just encouraged me to get ready. How does one get ready to go to the desert? Run the other way in fear? Ask why? Or, as I am grateful for, go to more prayer, more Bible reading and studying, and drink deeply from the well of faith? It wasn’t long and I started feeling the heat! I found a breast lump; my youngest daughter burned her finger badly and then broke a bone in her foot. At my pre-op exam we discovered an enlarged thyroid which also threatened malignancy. Work had been in a difficult transition time with a few very difficult issues weighing us down. Even our church had been feeling severe stress. Life usually has its challenges, but these seemed hotter than ever!

But when you walk in the desert with God, there are amazing blessings:

Shade, just enough and just when you need it most (like just enough to cool you just enough not to die of heat exhaustion! – put your head under the Broom tree, forget that tall glass of lemonade under the sprawling oak!). God gives me his shade through praying and caring friends.

Rest. It might be on a two-minute rock (you know the kind … rough and pointy in all the wrong places but a place to stop just the same), but it is a place to revive enough to go on. God gives me this in teaching tapes and Bible study groups. I have been inspired by others’ passion for Jesus.

And a refreshing drink from the spring of living water himself. Living water is that which comes directly from God in rain, snow, run off … not collected in a cistern. God revived me and challenged me with many thoughts about living water. In two places in the book of John Jesus refers to himself as living water (John 4:10-14; John 7:37-39). First he tells the Samaritan woman to ask him for living water so she’ll never thirst again. “The water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life” (4:14). And then at the Feast he calls the million plus at the temple to come to him. “If anyone is thirsty, let him come to me and drink” (7:37).

In the desert I have come to realize more and more how thirsty I am. As I have looked around at fellow believers and those around me who may not believe, I can easily see how thirsty we all are! Life is harsh, hot, dry, thirsty, and rocky. We need to drink from Jesus to even sustain our lives! But it doesn’t stop there. When we drink from him, we will be filled to overflowing … we then become the source of life to those around us walking around in their deserts. “Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, streams of living water will flow from within him” (7:38). We are God’s answer to those stumbling around us who are hot and thirsty and in need of great shade!

And when we are conduits, overflowing sources of life, we can change the world! Skip over to Revelation 22 – “Then the angel showed me the river of life, as clear as crystal, flowing from the throne of God … On each side of the river stood the tree of life … and the leaves of the tree are for the healing of the nations” (22:1-2). Jesus is the living water. When we drink from him we won’t thirst, our friends and neighbors gain a source of life and refreshment, and even the nations will find their healing! What an amazing gift!

One of the memory verses in Community Bible Study course I took on Isaiah was this promise: “The Lord will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail” (58:11). Are you drinking from the spring of living water? Are you the cool refreshment that other desert-walkers need so desperately? Or are you (am I) the log jam, the one who causes life to be stale and harsh? I pray that you will also be drawn to the Spring to be refreshment to the thirsty world around you.

P.S. That was in 2003. In March a benign breast lump was removed. In August I had my entire thyroid removed because of large nodules causing various troubles. After adjusting to the medications fairly easily, I was feeling good and by the spring of 2003 I believed that I had survived the desert, life was getting to feel more like that tall glass of lemonade under the sprawling oak. I had survived it and was moving on. Or was I?

In April of 2004 my husband surprised me with a trip to Hawaii … one in which I didn’t know the destination until we got on the plane! We were celebrating – health, marriage growth, surviving the desert. In May his control of his addiction began to unravel … On June 30, a friend came with the sad information which I knew meant I needed to confront. By July 7 he was turning himself into authorities having confessed to terrible things, including the abuse of my daughters. Life as we knew it would never be the same … and from this vantage point, I wouldn’t want it to be the same.

But as life got cozy, as I felt we were with in sight of the promised land and enjoying the grapes brought back, I wanted less and less of desert living … less of God’s daily presence in the pillar of smoke. I am not saying my loss of focus caused our ailments or that God wanted to get my attention. I am saying that God is the God of the desert. If I ask him to draw me near to him, to make me like him, to show me his power, there is probably going to have to be some time spent relying on him in the desert. That’s where I see him most clearly, that’s where I feel him most tangibly, that’s where I push aside the stuff of life to focus on survival … and that only comes when I receive his water from a rock and manna from heaven, and know that I can only live if I stay with him.

July 7, 2004, I did an about-face and returned to desert living. What I thought had been the hottest before turned out to be just a hint of what could be. The desert is hot, blistering my head all the way to my heart. But, God is my shade, my rest, and my refreshing drink. He alone can give me what I need most … and give my heart a song … in the midst of it all.

Oh God, my shade, my rest, my living water.
Thank you for your provision for me in the desert.
Thank you for the gift of drawing near to you,
understanding you in your suffering better,
being totally dependent on you for life.
Thank you that you know my needs far better than I,
and meet those needs beyond my hopes and dreams.
I love you.

So if you faithfully obey the commands I am giving you today—to love the LORD your God and to serve him with all your heart and with all your soul—then I will send rain on your land in its season, both autumn and spring rains, so that you may gather in your grain, new wine and oil.
Deuteronomy 11:13-14

It is difficult for me to believe that I have walked in ministry for nearly 30 years. I have trusted God for my financial provision in addition to so many other things. I have followed his lead to China, Mongolia, Tibet, Israel, California, and Colorado. I have lived in plenty and have lived through some tremendous tests and challenges. I have watched him turn hard hearts soft. I have experienced his firm hand when evil was given more power than he could tolerate. I have been on my knees, in prayer, in worship, in multiple languages, and in multiple countries. I have seen beauty from ashes, even in my own wounded soul. I have known God’s glory passing by in so many ways and times and experiences. This is a reminder for me today … and perhaps for you as well!

​​Be faithful.
Love him with your whole heart.
Let him come in to the dark, difficult, sinful ravages and bring his tender touch.
Hold nothing back from his holiness.
Love him with your whole mind.
Ponder the wonders of who he is.
Engage deeply and grapple to understand his message.
Instead of pouring energy into devising self-focused plans, give your best energy to devising ways to love bigger, wider, deeper, and freely.
Love him with all your soul.
Leave room for nothing else in the deepest core of your being.
Trust that God will fill every need, meet every request, touch every hurt, love more passionately than any other, and hold you for all eternity.
Love him with all your strength.
In this life there are many, many battles.
It is so easy to turn some of the best energy and strength toward others.
It is possible to engage in skirmishes that seem righteous, but in the end are distractions from the One you love.

Pour every bit of strength and power and effort into loving the God of the universe who loves you enough to rip open time and space to provide an eternal answer to the age-old question of sin. His name is Jesus. He died, was buried, and rose again. But then, oh, but then, he ascended into heaven and sits there on the throne with his Father, knowing his life was given for yours.

Be faithful.
Trust him.
Lean on him.
Surround yourself with him.
Drink in his word so that you may be living water to others.
Believe him.
Keep on believing him when you cannot see evidence of the truth you know.
Keep on believing.
He will see you through. He will bring rain to the desert. He will give you the new grain, the new wine, and the new oil.

He will.

Thirty years you’ve held me tight.
Thirty years with all your might.
Never have you left my side
Still I’m learning to abide.
Faithful is all I want to be
Because you have been so faithful to me.
Thank you, holy God.

Originally written to celebrate 20 years of ministry in 2007.

And a highway will be there; it will be called the Way of Holiness.
The unclean will not journey on it; it will be for those who walk in that Way;
wicked fools will not go about on it.
Isaiah 35:9

God has given me much to ponder about choices, decisions both intentional and not that affect life – my own and the rings that surround me out beyond where I can even imagine where the effects are tidal wave in size.

My husband made disastrous decisions. Some decisions toward willful disobedience, and some, I’m sure, out of the foolishness of walking away from holiness. As he walked through his life, playing the part of a God-follower while allowing his heart, mind, and eyes to stray, the moment-by-moment decisions took on greater and greater destructive power. He had allowed himself the one small decision after another that left him out swinging so far from the plumb line that the only choice became a double identity. The one could lead the life of husband, father, missionary, son of missionaries. The other doomed to lurk in and out of secret hiding places taking greater and greater risks to fill the gap left by emptying his heart more and more of the truth.

Some decisions we make are with our words. Will I choose control and kindness? Or will I let my evil heart flow and let what comes out of my mouth just come? Some decisions are in actions. Will I choose to love well? Or will I be passive and let others do it?

All the while we frequently, and selfishly, believe that our choices only affect ourselves. We can be so focused on ourselves that we have a hard time comprehending that our words, good or evil, will echo in the halls of another’s mind an entire lifetime, forming actions, reactions, self-worth, and view of God and his love. We are frequently blinded to the reality that our actions, loving or hateful, can boost or scar another for life. We can so easily be focused on own goals and gain that we see our own splash and crave more without a thought about the ripples causing a tidal wave across the miles or across generations.

Choices. Free will is given to us to love or to flee Love, to die or to find Life.

Oh Jesus,
Fill my heart with your Spirit.
Call me to drink the living water you offer
And splash that on to others.
Guard my heart and soul,
The wellspring from which my choices of life or death flow.
Take my eyes off me and train them to only seek you.
As I make difficult choices, often between bad and a little better,
Draw me to you so that as the ripples flow out,
Rivers of life are soon to follow.

“God gives, and God takes away. But let’s be honest: We just want him to give, don’t we? And we certainly don’t want him to take away the things or the people that we love.

… But the truth is, everything we have is a gift. … You and I, like Job, know that God gives and God takes away. And when he takes away, if we’re able to focus on the joy of what was given, if only for a time, we take another step down the pathway toward the heart of God. Would you be willing to thank God for a gift he gave you and has now taken away?” (Holding On to Hope, Nancy Guthrie, pp. 23 and 24).

In this book, Nancy shares the lessons she’s learned from her study of the book of Job as she walked through her own pain and loss. Each chapter ends with a gentle but heart-piercing invitation to trust God and turn it over to him in a new way.

Back in 2004 when I first read this book, this invitation to be grateful had deep impact on me. God had

shown me early on that what he was calling me to was to lay everything about my life on the altar: my marriage, my daughters, my ministry, my relationships, my schedule, and my hopes and dreams. He wanted it all. It’s been painful to give it all over to him. It’s a fearful thing to let go of the gifts of life as we know it … even when I know in my deepest heart that he intends good for me and this act of faith will give me more of him. That is better than anything I have in this life.

So, can I be grateful for what he has given and now taken away? Yes. I’m grateful for the ways God shaped and formed me through my ex-husband, and without him I would not have my two beautiful daughters.Though scarred by this time of life, they are so beautiful, so precious, such a treasure to my heart! And while life has changed, I’m so grateful. He has grown me to greater understanding of who he is and helped me fall in love with him all the more. My reputation now has a hurt connected to it, but God knows my heart and has let others see that as well. Coming out of this fire refined has given him more for the kingdom.

It’s God and his character for which I am most grateful. He is good and loving and gentle even as he holds the universe in his hands and commands the army of hosts in the spiritual war all around us. He comes in smoke and fire and power, and he comes with whispers and the humility of suffering for me. He is what causes me to stand firm in the shifting sands.

For a decade there was a lot about life that felt like something was taken away. But in this challenge to be grateful for the gift given, even if it was taken away, I found joy and freedom. I grieve many losses, but I am so blessed and grateful that God chose to give them to me in the first place! Now, 11 years on from that devastation, I am celebrating beauty from those ashes. Most certainly he has kept us in the shadow of his wings.

Oh Jesus,

Your love is beyond my words.
Your power humbles me.
Your tenderness woos me to give it all up
and stand in gratitude for the gift.
I love you.

I do not set aside the grace of God,
for if righteousness could be gained through the law,
Christ died for nothing!”
Galatians 2:21

I have been confronted with legalism in my life and my understanding of my Christian walk. I have recognized before in life that the church can quickly feel like a place where modern Pharisees gather, which is a reason that those peering in at the church from the outside often cringe. “It’s by grace you are saved! It’s free! Now here are the rules to follow.” We encourage each other with “pray more, read the Bible more” and yet our lives can feel so empty.

I’ve placed those restrictions on myself. I’ve got great tapes that run through my head when I’m not obeying the rules of my upbringing or my Christian culture. I so desperately want God’s acceptance in the same way I feel I have to earn it from those around me.

But the grace walk is different. The grace walk recognizes that our set of rules and regulations can’t save us – only Jesus can. Our list of Christian “to-dos” and ways we serve the fellowship don’t earn our acceptance with the heavenly Father – what Jesus did on the cross makes the only way for that. Jesus doesn’t want a maidservant, he wants a beautiful and passionate bride who loves to be with him, loves to adore him, loves to find what he loves and give that to him. Jesus wants our love and devotion and our gifts and sacrifices to flow from that place, not a place of duty.

The grace walk frees me to live in the reality I know so well. I can’t love those I find unlovable. I can’t be joyful. I can’t be self-controlled or give myself peace. Patience? Forget it. I just can’t do it! But God can, and wants to do that through me. I need to be an empty glove and just invite his powerful hand and heart to invade me every moment of every day. Then he will love others his way through me. He will be my life, and I will get that abundantly instead of whatever feeble bit I would have on my own efforts.

Letting God do his stuff through me, more like “God with a twist of Gwen” instead of “Gwen with a bit of God,” has been freeing. Realizing that while God does indeed want to work through me, he can do that much more effectively if I get out of the way … get my “to-do lists” and “expectations to meet” and “definitions of what being a Christian is” and, most of all, my self-inflicted shame out of the way … If I can walk through each hour asking “How do you want to love _______ through me right now?” then my life will take a much more heavenly hue.

I’d say I’m going to “work at that grace thing more,” but that then would not be grace, that would be my works. So it is a humorous and gentle thing while at the same time totally upsetting to the legalistic life I’ve been comfortable with. Just how does God want to do his thing through this mess? And, how do I really let go so that I can feel from head to toe and heart that he accepts me just as he made me?

Crazy, this God stuff! But the more I taste of it, the less satisfied I am with anything else.

Oh Jesus,

You are so beautiful, so full, so powerful, so tender.
I love you and so want to love you more.
Show me yourself and soften my heart to take it all in.
Love through me, Lord. Radically turn my ways
Of looking at the world by making me “Jesus with a twist of Gwen!”
Invade me, holy one.
Be my life.

“The Lord your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves.
He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you,
but will rejoice over you with singing.”
Zephaniah 3:17

As I was trudging along with wet snow giving under my steps as the sun shone full and bright against the Colorado blue sky and the fall ducks dodged ice floats in the canal, Jesus made me laugh. I had been walking and talking with him about the stuff of life, putting this time of sabbatical out to him and inviting him to do whatever he will to shape the direction and future. And splat. From the trees above he aimed a heavy, wet snow ball at my back … then my head … then my legs. I went a few steps further and he lobbed another one my way, teasing me from the weighty thoughts and ponderings to the joy of the moment. He was having a great time in the aftermath of the blizzard of the night before and thought I should too! That Jesus, the one who welcomed the children and no doubt sang the psalms with greatest gusto. That Jesus, the one walked among the desperate and hopeless and released them to life. In the midst of a world of chaos and pain and injustice, I found his reminder of life and joy.

That was a welcome gift as I have spent much of the last week or so preparing for an Old Testament “quiz” on the 7-8th century prophets. I have waded deeply into the judgments, woes, law of retaliation, broken covenant relationships, and the pounding of one after another of the judgments Yahweh brought on his people and the peoples around them. Their arrogance, pride, idolatry, and rote rituals rightly and justly were not acceptable to our holy God. As I look out at the events all around, locally and globally, I can’t help but see the same arrogance and pride of violent human beings hell bent on destruction and death.

And yet, there is hope. Healing. Redemption. Restoration. And a Mighty Warrior who saves, delights, rejoices with singing … and tosses snowballs at one of those he calls friend.

Thank you, Jesus.

Holy One of Israel.
Mighty Warrior.
Deliverer
Of Hope and Singing.

Thank you.

November 17, 2015

So God created mankind in his own image,
in the image of God he created them.
Genesis 1:27

As a new seminary student, I had a four-part assignment to research what has been understood about imago dei (image of God) in the Old and New Testaments through various commentaries. I spent hours digesting and pondering to produce papers. Those thoughts from so many theologians about God’s creation of humanity in his image, the purpose he gave for our existence, the ways sin changed things, and truth about Jesus, the only perfect human after the fall, who completed his earthly mission toward an eternal redemption. Historically some followed the culture of the time to define the imago as reason or our ability to be rational. There were disputes about whether the fall obliterated the image in us. And around it went. These lofty thoughts danced around my heart and head as I went through the day-to-day of living and serving.

Then one Friday morning Wade came for his Hippotherapy session. I’m sure there are medical explanations with words a mile long to define what his struggles are. What I know is that sweet Wade has a body and mind that are just broken. Things don’t work like they should. He has no words to tell us what hurts or what is difficult. He cannot sit, stand, run, jump, or express his thoughts. He’s had surgeries and struggles.

He hadn’t been to the horses in a while. Whether it was the sun, the physical stretching and work, or just life, he just cried through the sessions. Wade likes the toy maraca. He also likes music, as it connects and soothes. So that’s what we did. This day “Patty Cake” was a winner, so I sang many rounds to him, adding the bits that just came out from when I used to sing it to my gals. Suddenly, in a moment I will never forget, Wade pulled up tall, caught my eye, and chortled with delight! In a beautiful moment of joy and connection, in a sweet and innocent boy with little to offer in terms of productivity or accomplishment, God shined out his image in a way that changed me.

Against the violence that is humanity in our fallen condition, against the way we like to measure the worth of ourselves and other humans based on productivity or popularity, against the struggle of feeling we need to live life “for God” … there was Wade. Laughing. Being. Shining out the goodness of God. There is nothing easy about Wade’s life (nor yours and mine as we walk through our brokenness), but our God sees, knows, delights in, and loves us … just because we are.

There is wonder in this. As there is wonder in the king of the universe born into our chaos to do what it took to make a way back to the way his Father intended it to be. In each human you encounter … yes, each one, whether your family or the one our scared hearts want to hate and fear … look closely. In each one is the imago dei, creating worth and beauty. He loves them. Shouldn’t we?

Lord of the universe,

Give us eyes to see as you see,
Your weighty glory
Shining out of each
Precious One.
Thank you for giving your life,
To give Life to your children.

December 21, 2015

You, God, are my God, earnestly I seek you;
I thirst for you, my whole being longs for you,
in a dry and parched land where there is no water.
Psalm 63:1

It is good to remember. God has been merciful to me, showing me things in his word that grab hold and settle. But, my humanity sneaks in and life moves along, and I am prone to forget. In a quick search, the term “remember” shows up at least 231 times in the NIV. That alone should cause us to take that intentional step.

I have certainly walked the journey of the desert in my life … as have you. The terrain of life can so often feel hot, thirsty, rugged, solitary, desperate … hopeless. Whether it is through the invasion of sin (ours or another’s), the grief that comes through loss, the strike against our health, the pain of watching others make terrible life choices, the agony over regret, or the fear of what else is just around the corner—life can be so hard.

Difficulties press us beyond ourselves to cry out, “God, I thirst for you! Where is the water?!” I was reminded today about En Gedi, an oasis in the wilderness in Israel. Surrounded by seemingly barren wilderness on all sides, hidden in the crevices are streams and then pools of clean, fresh water. Panting deer find their way to this source of life, the living water of God that flows from the springs … giving hope.

I was also reminded of the dramatic picture of Jesus sacrificing himself on the cross. His words were those of this same cry, “I thirst.” The Lamb of God, our living water, felt the dry, wearying heat of desert living, too.

As the Israelites trudged and survived and longed for God in a dry and weary land, he led them to the Promised Land. And we journey to a Promised Land as well. Just look at the hope held out for us in Revelation 7:16-17:

‘Never again will they hunger; never again will they thirst. The sun will not beat down on them,’ nor any scorching heat. For the Lamb at the center of the throne will be their shepherd; ‘he will lead them to springs of living water.’

‘And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes.

The sun will no longer beat down on us! The Lamb will lead us to springs of living water! Desert living will be left behind as we live in the beautiful city of abundance. That is HOPE.

Lord Jesus,

Open our eyes to see you. Give us hearts that believe.
In the scorching heat of our desert lives,
Teach us to long for you,
To trust your promises,
And to cling to the hope of
Fully quenched thirst.

February 7, 2016

We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. Hebrews 6:19

My journey through seminary has been a path that has helped me settle my soul regarding hope. God has lead me to grasp, firmly and securely, that what had been an emotional pursuit found a landing in an intellectual truth. The resurrection of Jesus is the solid reality, “a new birth into a living hope” (1 Peter 1:3). It isn’t fleeting or something easily lost, it is a certainty based on the certainty of Christ in his resurrection and serving as our high priest forever!

For the last six weeks I have been deeply involved in the lives of others through my chaplaincy internship experience. In the course of these six weeks, the swath of shock, grief, and dismay have invaded the lives of people close to me through three suicide deaths of those close to them. There are so many questions. Theology must be firm and true to hold faith and hope in times like these!

As I wait for the repair of my last bracelet (see February 2017 blog post), I found myself once again browsing for symbols and reminders. As I browsed, I landed on a package of 50 “hope” charms. At first, I thought, “I’d never run out of hope if I bought that!” Then the Holy Spirit touched my heart. “Perhaps now it is time for you to stop trying madly to hold on to hope and instead give it away?” So I bought that package.

It arrived precisely the morning that a very difficult event occurred at the ranch that was painful and traumatic for everyone there as a beloved old dog was run over and killed. These little charms weren’t much, but I had one in my pocket for everyone there who had been tossed into the swirl of emotion and pain. God had prepared me to be there in that moment, equipped to share hope in the crisis and struggle. I pray the little reminder that has meant so much to me will be a tender invitation to each one to hold on to hope!

I keep these little reminders in my pocket as I look for those in my path who may need a little reminder. Gratefully, I just ordered another pack of 50 because they are going so fast! God is so merciful and gracious to allow me this holy role in his kingdom.

Today another bit of my purchase arrived in the mail – another bracelet! I know this one won’t last forever either, but I’m glad for this reminder that the resurrection of Jesus and the hope set before us is a firm anchor for our souls!

Lord Jesus,

Thank you.
You are the fulfilled promise,
The life, truth, and way.
Your faithful obedience to death
And the power of your resurrection
Give us HOPE as an anchor for our souls!
Spread your hope through me
However,
Wherever,
And to whomever you will!
I love you, Lord!

October 18, 2017