Author: gwenhanna1

Desert Living

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Life is tough in the desert. It’s dry, hot, thirsty, and rocky. And it can be a lonely place when your only focus is on survival. The Israelites knew the struggle … called from Egypt where slavery was hard but essentials of life were provided to the desert, so harsh that you can only survive if you carry your food and water with you. Or if your mighty God does miracles and feeds you the food of angels (called manna) and gushes out fresh water from a rock. Only he could do something like that and give you sandals that don’t wear out as well! (See Nehemiah 9:19.)

In January 2003, as I was walking and praying, God caught my attention by letting me know that he was calling me to walk with him in the desert. He didn’t tell me what was going to cause the heat and discomfort; he just encouraged me to get ready. How does one get ready to go to the desert? Run the other way in fear? Ask why? Or, as I am grateful for, go to more prayer, more Bible reading and studying, and drink deeply from the well of faith? It wasn’t long and I started feeling the heat! I found a breast lump; my youngest daughter burned her finger badly and then broke a bone in her foot. At my pre-op exam we discovered an enlarged thyroid which also threatened malignancy. Work had been in a difficult transition time with a few very difficult issues weighing us down. Even our church had been feeling severe stress. Life usually has its challenges, but these seemed hotter than ever!

But when you walk in the desert with God, there are amazing blessings:

Shade, just enough and just when you need it most (like just enough to cool you just enough not to die of heat exhaustion! – put your head under the Broom tree, forget that tall glass of lemonade under the sprawling oak!). God gives me his shade through praying and caring friends.

Rest. It might be on a two-minute rock (you know the kind … rough and pointy in all the wrong places but a place to stop just the same), but it is a place to revive enough to go on. God gives me this in teaching tapes and Bible study groups. I have been inspired by others’ passion for Jesus.

And a refreshing drink from the spring of living water himself. Living water is that which comes directly from God in rain, snow, run off … not collected in a cistern. God revived me and challenged me with many thoughts about living water. In two places in the book of John Jesus refers to himself as living water (John 4:10-14; John 7:37-39). First he tells the Samaritan woman to ask him for living water so she’ll never thirst again. “The water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life” (4:14). And then at the Feast he calls the million plus at the temple to come to him. “If anyone is thirsty, let him come to me and drink” (7:37).

In the desert I have come to realize more and more how thirsty I am. As I have looked around at fellow believers and those around me who may not believe, I can easily see how thirsty we all are! Life is harsh, hot, dry, thirsty, and rocky. We need to drink from Jesus to even sustain our lives! But it doesn’t stop there. When we drink from him, we will be filled to overflowing … we then become the source of life to those around us walking around in their deserts. “Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, streams of living water will flow from within him” (7:38). We are God’s answer to those stumbling around us who are hot and thirsty and in need of great shade!

And when we are conduits, overflowing sources of life, we can change the world! Skip over to Revelation 22 – “Then the angel showed me the river of life, as clear as crystal, flowing from the throne of God … On each side of the river stood the tree of life … and the leaves of the tree are for the healing of the nations” (22:1-2). Jesus is the living water. When we drink from him we won’t thirst, our friends and neighbors gain a source of life and refreshment, and even the nations will find their healing! What an amazing gift!

One of the memory verses in Community Bible Study course I took on Isaiah was this promise: “The Lord will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail” (58:11). Are you drinking from the spring of living water? Are you the cool refreshment that other desert-walkers need so desperately? Or are you (am I) the log jam, the one who causes life to be stale and harsh? I pray that you will also be drawn to the Spring to be refreshment to the thirsty world around you.

P.S. That was in 2003. In March a benign breast lump was removed. In August I had my entire thyroid removed because of large nodules causing various troubles. After adjusting to the medications fairly easily, I was feeling good and by the spring of 2003 I believed that I had survived the desert, life was getting to feel more like that tall glass of lemonade under the sprawling oak. I had survived it and was moving on. Or was I?

In April of 2004 my husband surprised me with a trip to Hawaii … one in which I didn’t know the destination until we got on the plane! We were celebrating – health, marriage growth, surviving the desert. In May his control of his addiction began to unravel … On June 30, a friend came with the sad information which I knew meant I needed to confront. By July 7 he was turning himself into authorities having confessed to terrible things, including the abuse of my daughters. Life as we knew it would never be the same … and from this vantage point, I wouldn’t want it to be the same.

But as life got cozy, as I felt we were with in sight of the promised land and enjoying the grapes brought back, I wanted less and less of desert living … less of God’s daily presence in the pillar of smoke. I am not saying my loss of focus caused our ailments or that God wanted to get my attention. I am saying that God is the God of the desert. If I ask him to draw me near to him, to make me like him, to show me his power, there is probably going to have to be some time spent relying on him in the desert. That’s where I see him most clearly, that’s where I feel him most tangibly, that’s where I push aside the stuff of life to focus on survival … and that only comes when I receive his water from a rock and manna from heaven, and know that I can only live if I stay with him.

July 7, 2004, I did an about-face and returned to desert living. What I thought had been the hottest before turned out to be just a hint of what could be. The desert is hot, blistering my head all the way to my heart. But, God is my shade, my rest, and my refreshing drink. He alone can give me what I need most … and give my heart a song … in the midst of it all.

Oh God, my shade, my rest, my living water.
Thank you for your provision for me in the desert.
Thank you for the gift of drawing near to you,
understanding you in your suffering better,
being totally dependent on you for life.
Thank you that you know my needs far better than I,
and meet those needs beyond my hopes and dreams.
I love you.

Pleasing God or Trusting Him?

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This is perhaps one of the most applied lessons to my life from my trip to Israel. Stay close enough to the Rabbi to be covered with the dust he kicks up as he goes!

______________

My pastor gave a sermon that outlined two paths we can take in our relationship with God: Pleasing him or trusting him. The pleasing path “looks” good, the actions seem right, but in the end we often feel we come up short … in our efforts we cannot do all that’s necessary to truly please him. What he’s interested in is our hearts, he wants us to walk the “trusting” path. He welcomes us on it, dangerous and full of pitfalls as it is, and wants us to give him our hurts, our inadequacies, our falling short. It is in that surrender and trust that he knows we love him and that we receive his love, fully poured out in the sacrifice of his Son. It was a good reminder for me, a challenge to stop trying to do it right for him and instead give it all to him.

The reminder to walk in trust brought back an Israel experience that I needed to remember. Near the same time I was doing a Beth Moore study on John, the Beloved Disciple and the idea of being his trusting-following disciple came clear again. I just love how God does that! Enjoy my Israel experience …

It is a warm morning with the moisture of the Sea of Galilee carried on the breeze to this mountain top. We have just begun another day of learning. Our Rabbi asked us to go alone and find a place to read aloud from the text. No matter what we have read, the echoes of the She’ma (Deuteronomy 6:4-5) ring in our hearts and minds.

Then we hear those familiar words, “Come, let’s go.” On this day as our rabbi intended to teach us about Jesus and his life in Galilee, I was even more eager to keep with his quick pace. What a joy it was to walk and talk and glean from his words. As we walked he kept his watchful eye over his shoulder for the others coming along behind. His conversation was involved with what was on my mind, but also gently leading to what he had to share. Then we came to the crevice. Steep, rocky (what else?), with the end of the challenge not very visible. Over the edge he went with gusto. Without much thought I scrambled over behind him.

When we reached the bottom of the crevice we stopped to wait for the others. We had descended in moments, but the wait for the others would take nearly an hour! As we waited and encouraged others down the steep challenge, I was able to reflect. Just what does it mean to follow a rabbi?

I scrambled down the steep crevice without a thought for my safety or concern about the challenge ahead. If he went, I could go. I had learned that he wouldn’t take me where my feet couldn’t walk. As I looked up at the others, some confident, others clinging to climbing partners for stability, some terrified at the path they were about to travel, I realized that I hadn’t given it a thought. The rabbi was with me. As some stood at the top or in the middle waiting for others to complete the journey, they had time to let their minds wander, to lose focus, to either be caught up in the process or detached from it. I had made the descent understanding the reasons for choices with focus on what was there to be learned. Some could have wondered at the choice, questioning the rabbi’s leading. I never wondered as I never had reason to doubt.

At the end of the road, I saw another benefit. By staying close to the “rabbi” I overcame the challenge long before many others. I had longer rest in the shade and in his teaching presence. I had a breather before he led me forward once again.

Each of these reflections showed me something about my Rabbi, Jesus. If I stay close to him, I will never choose a path that my feet can’t handle. If I stay close to him, I won’t have time and space to be afraid at the road ahead. If I stay close to the Rabbi, I will stay focused on the lessons he wants me to learn. If I stay close to Jesus, I will not grumble in the unknown as I will trust his words and direction with certainty. If I stay close, the challenges will pass more quickly and I will have time to just bask in his presence in preparation for the next path he chooses. My choice to allow distance between us only contributes to my perception that the road is too hard! If I cling to him with all I’ve got, his peace, his presence, his leading will be my comfort and stability. Stay close to the Rabbi!

Oh Jesus,

Help me to have the courage to go where you lead,
To follow when I cannot see the destination,
To trust when all around me screams to run the other way.
Help me to be a faith-filled, following disciple,
Living to be more like you each day.
I love you!

Be Faithful

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So if you faithfully obey the commands I am giving you today—to love the LORD your God and to serve him with all your heart and with all your soul—then I will send rain on your land in its season, both autumn and spring rains, so that you may gather in your grain, new wine and oil.
Deuteronomy 11:13-14

It is difficult for me to believe that I have walked in ministry for nearly 30 years. I have trusted God for my financial provision in addition to so many other things. I have followed his lead to China, Mongolia, Tibet, Israel, California, and Colorado. I have lived in plenty and have lived through some tremendous tests and challenges. I have watched him turn hard hearts soft. I have experienced his firm hand when evil was given more power than he could tolerate. I have been on my knees, in prayer, in worship, in multiple languages, and in multiple countries. I have seen beauty from ashes, even in my own wounded soul. I have known God’s glory passing by in so many ways and times and experiences. This is a reminder for me today … and perhaps for you as well!

​​Be faithful.
Love him with your whole heart.
Let him come in to the dark, difficult, sinful ravages and bring his tender touch.
Hold nothing back from his holiness.
Love him with your whole mind.
Ponder the wonders of who he is.
Engage deeply and grapple to understand his message.
Instead of pouring energy into devising self-focused plans, give your best energy to devising ways to love bigger, wider, deeper, and freely.
Love him with all your soul.
Leave room for nothing else in the deepest core of your being.
Trust that God will fill every need, meet every request, touch every hurt, love more passionately than any other, and hold you for all eternity.
Love him with all your strength.
In this life there are many, many battles.
It is so easy to turn some of the best energy and strength toward others.
It is possible to engage in skirmishes that seem righteous, but in the end are distractions from the One you love.

Pour every bit of strength and power and effort into loving the God of the universe who loves you enough to rip open time and space to provide an eternal answer to the age-old question of sin. His name is Jesus. He died, was buried, and rose again. But then, oh, but then, he ascended into heaven and sits there on the throne with his Father, knowing his life was given for yours.

Be faithful.
Trust him.
Lean on him.
Surround yourself with him.
Drink in his word so that you may be living water to others.
Believe him.
Keep on believing him when you cannot see evidence of the truth you know.
Keep on believing.
He will see you through. He will bring rain to the desert. He will give you the new grain, the new wine, and the new oil.

He will.

Thirty years you’ve held me tight.
Thirty years with all your might.
Never have you left my side
Still I’m learning to abide.
Faithful is all I want to be
Because you have been so faithful to me.
Thank you, holy God.

Originally written to celebrate 20 years of ministry in 2007.

Joy and Sadness Coexist

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“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace.
In this world you will have trouble.
But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
John 16:33

“I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete.”
John 15:11

Jesus knew about feelings. He was called in Isaiah, “Man of Sorrows and acquainted with grief.” He wept with Martha and Mary over the death of Lazarus. He displayed his righteous anger at the money changers in the temple courts. He received the love gift of Mary, the fragrant perfume spilled lavishly on his feet. He cried out in agony from the cross at the same time he lovingly, but no doubt with the agony of a loving son, gave his own mother over to his loved friend. He laughed with children, went to parties with sinners, and carried the weight of the sin of the world as his sweat was pressed out in the olive grove called Gethsemane.

He talked of joy, of troubles, of mourning, of hungering and thirsting. He commanded love and gave it passionately as his Father gave it to him. Jesus knows about feelings.

Two movies aimed at children come to mind with these wanderings. Have you seen or read Because of Winn-Dixie? In this story a lonely girl, Opal, finds a smiling dog, Winn-Dixie, who makes friends any where he goes, and together they bring love and healing into the lives of those around them. In one section, one of the friendless characters, Miss Franny Block, the local historian and librarian, offers the Opal a Littmus Lozenge, a hard candy created by a man (her relative) whose life was so devastated by the civil war that he was determined to add a little sweetness to the rest of life. But the lozenge tasted “good … it tasted like root beer and strawberry and something that made me feel kind of sad” (p. 113) or “melancholy,” as the preacher (her father) put it. Sweet and sad mixed into one piece of hard candy. Allowing those together and feeling their affect is crucial to healing.

Last week I went to see the new movie, Inside Out. In this creative approach, the emotions of joy and sadness (as well as anger, disgust, fear) and are represented as separate individuals in a little girl’s head. As the little girl works her way through the pain of relocating and losing all of her reference points, we watch the emotions trying to find their way. In the end, sadness is crucial to the memories and events and the way forward through the pain. The two emotions need each other. Alone, it just doesn’t work or make sense.

In this walk of faith I am challenged to explore the amazing power of my emotions. I have experienced the loss of life and dreams I once held in the deepest part of my heart. As joy has returned, it has sometimes been uninvited and unwelcome. How can grief be so large and looming and consuming in my heart and soul while joy begins its dance again? How can life be so full of life while the agony of death remains, clouding my vision and my days? How can the two coexist? Does the pain have a box to contain it? Does joy fit in its own compartment and they somehow lay side-by-side? Or does the pain and grief absorb the joy, dulling the edges bit by bit and slowly but surely overtaking in victory? Or does the pain move aside when it’s joy’s turn at the forefront?

Or is it some melding of the two, pain illuminating joy so that it goes from monochrome to technicolor? Or joy infusing the pain with life to give it meaning and hope? Does joy lift the valley just enough to allow us to reach the summit? Or does grief bring us down again so that we see the delicate touch of a majestic God in the forming of the tiniest wildflower hidden in the lowest meadow? Are sorrow and joy two sides of the same coin? Or the top and bottom of the woven tapestry forming one beautiful creation? They coexist, mesh together, highlight each other – somehow sorrow makes joy technicolor and joy softens the edges of harsh sorrow. Instead of walking separate paths, they waltz!

All of us feel pain and sorrow. It is not an “if” in life, it is a “when.” And if sorrow is like the thick gray clouds of life, joy is the sunburst that brings the “ah,” quickens the heart, and reassures that the clouds aren’t for forever … beyond them is the bright, true, forever reality!

God of the universe,

You are also God of my heart, soul, and mind.
I want to be all you created me to be and do the things that radiate your glory.
Holy Spirit, fill me to your full, and make my joy complete.

Holding Back Evil

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For the secret power of lawlessness is already at work;
but the one who now holds it back will continue to do so
till he is taken out of the way.
2 Thessalonians 2:7

But you are a shield around me, O LORD.
Psalm 3:3

Hide me in the shadow of your wings from the wicked who assail me.
Psalm 17:8-9
How priceless is your unfailing love!
Both high and low among men find refuge in the shadow of your wings.
Psalm 36:7

He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
Psalm 91:4

I have been asked on a number of occasions, “Do you ever wonder ‘why me?’” In conversing about my life’s events, a friend clearly said, “Your life is harsh.” Even those who agree with me that my Sovereign God has a purpose in all of this shake their heads in bewilderment at the depth of the pain, betrayal, loss, and ongoing issues. Not many want to walk in my shoes!

As I meet with weary ones who are trying to make sense of the trials and troubles of life’s journey, I, too, am tempted to proclaim that life is harsh! They don’t “deserve” this … and that I would not want to walk in their shoes!

So often I’m reminded of the number of times my pastor included in his sermons the idea that while this world is a mess, in shambles, filled with pain, God in his mercy holds back the full extent of the evil that Satan would want to send to wreak havoc all the more. His intent is total destruction. God’s love for the creation and people that he has made compels him to hold the worst at bay … and to breathe his good into the ugliness that seeks to consume us.

My life … fraught with pain from betrayal, unfaithfulness in my spouse, the abuse of my children and me, the fallout of sin tearing apart relationships, the weight of a life of responsibility as a single parent … watching my children hurt. My dreams of marriage and a happy and stable home have been shattered. The life of blessing in which I could spend so much time investing in and being with my children has changed to fulltime work and somehow balancing the needs of all of us. The ache of it all and the recurring playback of “this isn’t how it’s supposed to be” echo each day.

But it could be so much worse. The abuse could have been far more intrusive and debilitating … and it could have gone on far longer undetected. I could have had no job and had to hit the streets looking for one. I could have lost my children to a system that might not have believed me. I could have lost my home and my income. The girls might have lost the stability of their school, their friends, and their loving teachers. My health could be at its lowest instead of its best in years. My family could have rejected me. My church could have accused or cast me away. I and my daughters could have been left without godly counselors to show us the way toward healing. I could be desperately alone on this walk. But I’m not. The “should haves” and “could haves” found a different way in the nurture of my heavenly Father’s amazing mercy and grace.

God’s mighty hand has drawn the line and held back the total destruction that could have come my way with sin and evil bearing down with its full force. He has been my strong fortress, my shield, my defender. Under his wings I have found shelter. The wind still whips and lashes at my ankles, but my head and heart are safely in his care.

Friend, the same is true for you. Remember what we actually deserve. Take a look at the storm and yourself, but then turn your eyes into the fierce, loving eyes of God, who stands powerfully holding back the full force of what seeks to devour you. Know that as he controls the universe, his open arms invite you to a place of refuge. Nestle under his wings. He’s got you covered!

Heavenly Father,

Thank you for your mercy and your tender care.
Thank you for holding back the full force of the evil that would seek to destroy me.
Thank you for doing your amazing God thing that can turn ashes in to beauty.
Thank you for letting me hide under your wings.
I love you.

Choices on the Journey

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And a highway will be there; it will be called the Way of Holiness.
The unclean will not journey on it; it will be for those who walk in that Way;
wicked fools will not go about on it.
Isaiah 35:9

God has given me much to ponder about choices, decisions both intentional and not that affect life – my own and the rings that surround me out beyond where I can even imagine where the effects are tidal wave in size.

My husband made disastrous decisions. Some decisions toward willful disobedience, and some, I’m sure, out of the foolishness of walking away from holiness. As he walked through his life, playing the part of a God-follower while allowing his heart, mind, and eyes to stray, the moment-by-moment decisions took on greater and greater destructive power. He had allowed himself the one small decision after another that left him out swinging so far from the plumb line that the only choice became a double identity. The one could lead the life of husband, father, missionary, son of missionaries. The other doomed to lurk in and out of secret hiding places taking greater and greater risks to fill the gap left by emptying his heart more and more of the truth.

Some decisions we make are with our words. Will I choose control and kindness? Or will I let my evil heart flow and let what comes out of my mouth just come? Some decisions are in actions. Will I choose to love well? Or will I be passive and let others do it?

All the while we frequently, and selfishly, believe that our choices only affect ourselves. We can be so focused on ourselves that we have a hard time comprehending that our words, good or evil, will echo in the halls of another’s mind an entire lifetime, forming actions, reactions, self-worth, and view of God and his love. We are frequently blinded to the reality that our actions, loving or hateful, can boost or scar another for life. We can so easily be focused on own goals and gain that we see our own splash and crave more without a thought about the ripples causing a tidal wave across the miles or across generations.

Choices. Free will is given to us to love or to flee Love, to die or to find Life.

Oh Jesus,
Fill my heart with your Spirit.
Call me to drink the living water you offer
And splash that on to others.
Guard my heart and soul,
The wellspring from which my choices of life or death flow.
Take my eyes off me and train them to only seek you.
As I make difficult choices, often between bad and a little better,
Draw me to you so that as the ripples flow out,
Rivers of life are soon to follow.

Why the Trumpet Doesn’t Blow

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Woe to you who long for the day of the LORD!
… Will not the day of the LORD be darkness, not light, pitch-dark, without a ray of brightness?
… But let justice roll on like a river, righteousness like a never-failing stream!
Amos 5:18, 20, 24

Beth Moore’s lessons in Jesus, the One and Only includes a bit about her experience of being terribly hurt by someone. Our response is often to want God to deal with them, and harshly. She was in prayer and God asked her “What would you have me do to that person, Beth?” Because he is God, she knew what he could do and what is promised for those who do not turn from sin to God. Her reaction was to cry for mercy for that person instead of the right judgment of God.

It was a difficult day when I learned that my ex-husband had spurned mercy again and was convicted of Class 4 felony. In response to hearing of his plight, a friend said, “I’ve never been so sad to have my prayers answered.” Amos 5 came to mind: “Woe to you who long for the day of the Lord! Will not the day of the LORD be darkness, not light—pitch-dark, without a ray of brightness?” I was beginning to understand that all the more.

God knows the day and hour when enough will be enough, when his kingdom calendar reaches the time when Christ will return. He looks on the evil of this world. He watches its devastation in single lives, in communities, in cultures, and in nations as they war against each other. He grieves when the gospel is shared and rejected … and only some receive his mercy. He knows how dark and sad it will be on that day when all of heaven and those who believe watch as those who reject God go to their eternal destiny. We will never be so sad at our answered prayers!

I have asked God for his justice—in personal situations, in world situations, in relational situations, and in community situations. It is so hard to look upon these things, knowing it is right, it is just, it is fair, and it is safest for the people involved, and but it is so painful to watch justice roll in like the river.

God longs for all to be saved. He longs for people in places hidden away from most of the world’s view to have the opportunity to exercise his gift of choice. He longs for them to be given opportunity to choose life, to choose his Son, to choose to spend eternity with him.

So he waits. He extends mercy each day to an ever sicker world. He waits. He calls his church to love and extend mercy as he does. Will we answer the call? I long for God to answer my prayer for some from every tribe and tongue and nation to choose Jesus and receive his mercy and the gift of grace his death offers. I pray that victims will trust Jesus for the justice and find healing in his name.

Christ came with a sword (Matthew 10:34). Where he arrives, division comes. Some go the way of darkness, choosing to reject him. Some go the way of light, choosing to receive him. That day when the trumpet sounds, we who know him will join in the sadness of a king sending away many he loves to their eternal destination apart from his love. That day will be a day of woe and of darkness. As justice rolls in we will feel sick and sad for every human being who loves darkness more than light.

We have an urgent job to do. So many millions still need the opportunity to choose and then to lead their friends and neighbors to the choice. Jesus, help us go quickly. The time is short. Help us love the light!

Lord,

It is so hard when evil moves in so closely.
We feel the weight, the ugliness.
As a victim, I’m amazed at how the sin of one man has been able to bear down
And I can’t comprehend how
You could carry the weight of the sins of the whole world for all history
On yourself.
I understand why you wait.
You do not want any to perish.
You patiently give mercy toward gathering as many was will choose you.
Thank you, Lord. I choose you.

What it Means to Just Keep Walking

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I’m so grateful for all the healing God has done over the years. This post was originally written in a very dark time. But the reminder is for me or anyone in a difficult place. We can not only survive, but learn to thrive in the desert!

_____________________

During our trip to Israel in 2000, I learned a bunch about perseverance. Being June, we often encountered some pretty hot temperatures. Our daily routine was to be on the bus by 7am heading to somewhere none of us but our leader and driver knew, and then judging the coming challenge of the hike based on how many water bottles we were told to carry along. The “two plus an extra 1.5 liter” was always daunting. It was going to be hot, little shade, uncomfortable “two-three minute rocks” to sit on when we did get breaks, and digging deep within to keep one foot stepping out in front of the other. Walking in the desert requires focus, determination, and lots of faith.

While the years and counsel have given me tools for a more steady gait, in my life’s desert, I have wished that someone would have been there to warn me when it was going to be a “two liter-and-a-half bottles of water” kind of journey. At times I found myself reeling … pacing the room wondering how to find focus enough to cook the green beans and get them on the table for supper. At different points in the journey, I wondered what to do with the incredibly deep ache that finds its way out in my sobs from the hidden recesses of my soul. I sometimes had even lost the ability to even let my body do its natural thing and needed to literally remind myself to breathe and eat.

There were times when I took the long way and tried with all my might to avoid, to skirt around the outside, to pace the outside of the “thing,” anxiety building. But the only way through is to just keep walking.

When the day has been one struggle after another with work stress, heavy issues for the kids, and life demanding more than I can give piled on top of wading through the grime of the sin that has weighed down so many of my friends and family, I have to just keep walking. If I stop moving, even if it is just to rest, I fear being engulfed. I have to choose to press forward.

I’ve been challenged to stop and let the pain be felt, let my heart be heard and recognized, resist moving to the “but” that gets me from the ache to the hope. I recognize the need to feel it, but I just can’t bear to stop and gaze at it for too long. Somehow if I keep moving, even at a snail’s pace, I’ll be moving toward the hope, out of the center of the pain to the healing edges where I can peer out at wholeness.

Life is cluttered with those dark and troubling times … BUT God is still on the throne, he is my shield and refuge, he watches over me and my girls with his tender power, he is our pillar of fire and our cloud of smoke. God is a God of the journey, a walk in the desert … with just enough shade, manna enough for each day, and water from a rock. Certainly he’ll lead me to his rest if I just keep breathing and walking, trusting him with the distance and the time it will take.

Lord Jesus, thank you for giving me the strength and courage to keep walking.
Thank you for being the hope I can hold on to.
Thank you for walking the journey I am on before me
… for knowing what I need to survive the desert and providing it each day.
Help me keep my eyes on you so I can keep walking … sometimes even on the water!

Hope: Out of Stock

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Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.
Proverbs 13:12

I have been wearing a silver bracelet on my wrist for the last few years. It used to have a charm that had “hope” on one side and “joy” on the other. That charm broke of long ago, but I keep wearing it with just the little ring that used to hold the charm as a reminder to keep looking for hope and joy.

The other night as I was pondering and praying about my daughter’s profession of faith, I realized that I was feeling something. After some focused effort, even looking up its definition, I recognized that I was feeling joy! I was delighted by God’s gift of faith in my daughter. After I recounted that to my counselor and told her about the bracelet, I was inspired to look on the internet to see if I could find charms of hope and joy to replace the lost one. I’ve casually looked over the years in stores, but with no luck. Last night I found some inexpensive ones online, so I ordered them, figuring I would put the “joy” one on and wait with the “hope” one until God showed me the time.

Today I got notice from the charm company that part of the cost had been refunded to my PayPal account, and it came with this note:

Message From Seller: CF4-HOPE IS OUT OF STOCK. PLEASE REORDER IN 2 WEEKS. SORRY

Hope is out of stock! I just had to start laughing. I guess I’m not supposed to have hope yet. I wonder what God has for me in the hope department in two weeks! I wanted to send a reply “hope deferred makes the heart sick,” but I didn’t.

I shared this with the girls, and they both just howled … “that is really what feels like a lot, isn’t it mommy? Hope is just out of stock.”

Good thing we know the true source of hope … he’s given back some joy, now I just need to recognize how he’s given the hope!

You are so funny sometimes, Lord!
Maybe it is just to show me how silly I am to continue to look around for hope
when you have placed it within us.
You, oh Lord, are my healer and the lifter of my head.
You have been my shelter, my strong tower, my refuge, my strength and my shield.
You have raised me up on eagle’s wings.
That is hope … it is definitely not out of stock! Amen.

1/8/08

Multiple conversations in the last week have circled back around to statements, questions, comments, or ponderings about hope. That intangible but essential element of life that settles somewhere in that place we call our soul. Without hope, life withers and dies. With hope, amazing and utterly God-sized occurrences invade our world. If you have walked the journey very long with me, you will likely hear my story about hope and joy charms and bracelets that have been bought, lost, found, returned, given, lost, recovered, and the like. When God first lead me to the idea of a tangible reminder to inspire me forward through small, inexpensive charms, the response from the online vendor was “ HOPE is out of stock.” Should I laugh or cry? I laughed, and still do whenever I recall the story.

Over the years my “hope” has tried to go down the drain, be lost, and the like. Over the years I’ve lost and recovered the charms through seemingly miraculous means. I’ve now lost two of those precious bracelets in my home or in my car (and I’m not one who loses things easily, so this is always “not so funny, Lord”). My friend recently created a new one for me (see photo) … and I’ve attached myself to hope more securely through a ring on my finger (though, within a week I did something that tarnished the ring in a hurry … “tarnished hope” is a whole new concept to ponder!).

But my point … Hope is a thing that everyone in the world understands as essential, but we as believers in Jesus are the only ones who can lead others to the true source, the deep soul encouragement, the One who is our hope. Hope doesn’t go out of stock or go down the drain or get lost on a whim. Jesus, our hope, is our firm foundation, our anchor, our buoy, our way through the stuff of this life.

I’m so grateful for the lessons of hope and the nurturing love of my Father as I’ve struggled to hold on to hope.

8/30/15

My Shield, Glory, Lifter of my Head

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But you are a shield around me, O LORD;
you bestow glory on me
and lift up my head.
Psalm 3:3

When life as I knew it flew apart that July day, I knew I needed to drink deeply from the truth and comfort God gives in the Bible. As my heart and mind swirled and focus was hard to find, I decided that I would just do the Psalms in order … take that order into my chaos and see what God might do with my meager attempts.

Psalm 3:3 jumped off the page and seared into my heart. It was a promise for the present trial and a hope for the future. I began underlining any verses I could find that stated that God is my shield, my protection, my fortress, or my Rock. (Psalm 5:11-12, 7:10, 9:9, 18:2, 28:7, 31:20, 33:20, 61:4, 84:11, 91:4, 115:9, 119:114, 144:2, etc.). I was desperate for him to show me that strength and power and to envelope me. I felt like I was walking on shifting sand, nothing I thought was true about my marriage seemed to be reality. Facts previously unknown to me slapped me in the face and heart with the cruel betrayal and truth. I needed a shield from the enemy’s arrows. I needed a Rock to hold me steady and firm.

The Psalmist trusted God to be a shield around him. Could I trust him too? Could I rest under the security of his wings (Psalm 91)? An image was described by one praying friend who envisioned my protective angel as having wings that were “hard as steel on the outside but with gentle down feathers underneath.” Did I have the courage to rest in the softness and trust the steel?

And what about the glory? How was I to think about that? I had never known such overpowering shame before. I wanted to hide … in fact those first days I could barely manage a trip to the grocery store without racing home to the protection of my walls. I felt so vulnerable, like an ominous cloud hung around that spoke to any onlooker of my life’s agony. How could God love through that to bestow glory, his glory, on me? What kind of amazing God of love is that? What worth did he see in the person whose life seemed scattered to the wind?

And before I even realized how downcast my heart and countenance were, God promised to lift my head. He gave me hope that what I was feeling in those hours and days wasn’t the end of the story. He would take my face in his two God-sized hands and lift my head to look from the grime on my feet to the glory in his face. At first I could only snatch a glance before needing to hide. But over time, in his gentle persistence and through the love of so many around me, I’ve been able to walk a little taller and spend more time gazing intently on the one who loves me so radically.

Jesus, my shield, my glory bestower, the lifter of my head.

Oh God, give me courage to trust you when the world seems so untrustworthy.
When I have no glory of my own, let me look on your and reflect that to the world.
When I lose my focus on you and instead see only the grime
on my feet and heart, lift my head.
I love you, Jesus.